I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
