Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
