Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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