Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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