I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
