I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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