Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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