Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
