Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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