Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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