I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
