he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
