You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
