Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize