can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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