if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
