Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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