my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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