I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
