I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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