Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
