the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
