I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
