I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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