My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
