Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
