If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize