I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Less talking, more tequila
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
