I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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