Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
