Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
