I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
