I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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