we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
