I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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