You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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