so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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