I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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