Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
