my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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