There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
