just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
