from now on my penis is your penis
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
