So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
