I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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