Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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