yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
