i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
