i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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