You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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