So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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