Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
