you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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