I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
