It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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