break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
