My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
