Nicole vs. Life
Define "chronic" masturbator.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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