Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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