my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There r osticjed everywhere
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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