there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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