I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
