Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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