Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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