I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
