I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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