i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my shit smells like andre
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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