dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
