if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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