I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
