If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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