and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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