how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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