I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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