nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
